


is there somewhere

by kirstenlauren



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Angst, Connor has a girlfriend, M/M, all my fics are high school au's haha, also connor is kind of an asshole i'm so sorry, closeted!connor, high school!au, outnproud!jude
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-29
Updated: 2015-08-29
Packaged: 2018-04-17 21:06:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4681451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kirstenlauren/pseuds/kirstenlauren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jude is so, so gay and Connor is so, so... something. And his girl has no idea.</p>
            </blockquote>





	is there somewhere

**Author's Note:**

> Title and lyrics are by Is There Somewhere by Halsey (can you tell I really love Halsey?) Listen as you read!

**_you were dancing in your tube socks in our hotel room_ **

****

Jude and Connor were lounging on the bed, side by side, legs intertwined, and staring at the ceiling. Connor was tapping a beat on Jude’s unclothed stomach with his fingers. Jude had his hand in Connor’s hair, twirling mindlessly.

 

They said nothing but that’s how it always seemed to be. And that was okay. That was better. For Connor, at least.

 

Silence made things easier.

****

**_flashing those eyes like highway signs_ **

****

And then Connor’s phone buzzed from the bedside table.

****

**_light one up and hand it over_ **

****

Connor sat up abruptly and Jude’s hand fell from his hair. He hastily reached for the phone.

 

“Hey, Olivia,” he said, answering it.

 

A pause.

 

“Yeah, I’m still studying.”

****

**_rest your head upon my shoulder_ **

****

Jude sat up and smiled at him. The lie was laughable. Connor studying? It was as if she barely knew him at all. But he did. He knew him.

 

He knew that he didn’t like peanut butter. He knew that his weakness was the crook of his neck. He knew that he’s been playing baseball for years but really, he hates it.

 

He knew that he was all _his_ , even if it was a secret. Jude would take all that he could get.

****

**_just wanna feel your lips against my skin_ **

****

The phone call didn’t last long and then Connor threw the phone, sliding it across the floor, and pushed Jude down onto the bed, leaning over and kissing him.

 

They had gotten good at this part.

****

**_white sheets, bright lights, crooked teeth, and the nightlife_ **

****

The secret began a year ago. Connor and Jude had already been friends for a while. It was a normal day and they were walking home from school together, planning a fun night of video games and water gun tag.

 

Neither of those things happened that night.

 

“I want to tell you this because we’re friends and I don’t want to hide from my friends,” Jude had said. “I think I’m gay.”

 

Jude had expected Connor to be disgusted and leave.

 

But instead… “You think?” Connor responded. His face only showed curiosity.

 

“I mean, I haven’t kissed a boy yet but…” Jude trailed off and began picking at the hem of his shirt in nervousness. “If you don’t want to be my friend anymore, I get it.”

 

But Connor leaned over and kissed him. His lips were dry and chapped and it only lasted a second.

 

“Do you know now?” Connor asked, pulling away.

 

Jude responded by leaning in and kissing him again, longer this time.

 

They had kissed about eighteen times that night. Jude would know; he counted each and every one.

****

**_you told me this is right where it begins_ **

****

“What are you thinking about?” Connor whispered, pulling Jude out of his thoughts.

 

“You.” _You, you, you, always you._

Connor smiled and brought Jude’s hand to his lips. “Me too. Every day.”

****

**_but your lips hang heavy underneath me_ **

****

The next day at school, Jude sat at his usual spot with his art club friends and Connor sat a few tables away with Olivia and her friends.

 

Jude and Connor glanced at each other and exchanged small smiles, just as they did every day. It was their little tradition.

 

Olivia never seemed to notice. How could she not notice that Connor was rarely ever paying attention to a word she said? Connor didn’t know. He didn’t care either.

****

**_and I promised myself I wouldn’t let you complete me_ **

****

Sometimes Jude would feel guilty. He would watch as Olivia would smile or laugh at something Connor had said. He would watch her look at him as if he had hung the stars in the sky.

 

Jude wore his heart of his sleeve. He cared about everyone and everything. He knew what they were doing to Olivia.

 

Jude normally was a selfless person. Usually. But when it came to Connor, Jude would take all that he could get. And he hated that about himself.

****

**_i’m trying not to let it show_ **

****

**_that I don’t wanna let this go_ **

****

**_is there somewhere you can meet me?_ **

****

Connor isn’t a complete monster. He does like Olivia. She’s sweet. She goes to all of his baseball games. His dad thinks she’s great.

 

But Olivia wasn’t Jude.

****

**_‘cause I clutched your arms like stairway railings_ **

****

**_and you clutched my brain and eased my ailing_ **

****

Olivia didn’t drag him into random broom closets after lunch and in between classes. Olivia didn’t listen whenever he wanted to rant about his dad. Olivia didn’t let him crash with her whenever he had a bad night (but it wasn’t as if Connor asked, anyway). Olivia just wasn’t Jude.

****

**_you’re writing lines ‘bout me_ **

****

**_romantic poetry_ **

****

Sometimes Connor would be hanging out with Olivia and he would almost say it.

 

_I’m in love with Jude. I’m in love with Jude. I’m..._ “really tired. I just want to sleep.”

 

And she would leave and Connor wouldn’t say a word.

****

**_your girl’s got red in her cheeks_ **

****

**_‘cause we’re something she can’t see_ **

****

One time, Olivia caught them.

 

“I think he likes you,” Olivia would say, noticing Jude gazing at Connor from a few tables away.

 

Connor would laugh. “That’s just silly,” he would say and that would be that.

 

When Olivia looked away to listen to something her friend was saying, Connor looked over at Jude and smiled a knowing grin. The lie was laughable. Silly? It was as if she barely knew him at all.

****

**_and I try to refrain_ **

****

**_but you’re stuck in my brain_ **

****

Sometimes there were bad days. They were a lot of bad days.

 

“I am so sick of being your secret,” Jude would yell.

 

Connor would have no answer. No response. He would only look at Jude with wide, pleading eyes. _Please, please don’t leave me_ , his eyes would say.

****

**_all I do is cry and complain_ **

****

**_‘cause second’s not the same_ **

****

Of course, Jude would always come back. They’d get in a fight and Connor would get a call within the next hour.

 

“You’re just… in me,” Jude would say, sighing. “Like a disease.”

 

Connor understood. “I’m sorry.”

****

**_i’m sorry but I fell in love tonight_ **

****

It was too late for Jude to escape. He was in too deep.

 

“Don’t let him play with your feelings like that,” Taylor would say. She was the only person who knew. She disapproved, obviously, and she always let him know.

 

“He’s going to break your heart,” She would say. “and you know it.”

 

He knew it, he knew it, of course he knew it.

****

**_I didn’t mean to fall in love tonight_ **

****

“I had sex with her,” Connor said one night, completely out of the blue. He had acted strange from the moment he came over. “She wanted to and I…”

 

Jude said nothing.

 

Connor gave him that same pleading look he always gave. _Please, please don’t leave me._

“I can’t do this anymore,” Jude said.

 

And he didn’t come running back this time.

****

**_you’re looking like you fell in love tonight_ **

****

**_could we pretend that we’re in love?_ **

****

Jude spent hours crying. He was inconsolable. His moms would come to his side and Jude would cling to them but never give them any answers.

 

Eventually, he was numb. Numb to everything. Connor would stare daggers at him at school, trying to catch his attention. His phone would blow up with calls and texts from him. But Jude was numb.

 

One day, Jude was sitting at a tree alone for lunch (where he’d been sitting every day now). He spotted Olivia running down the hall to the girl’s bathroom. Tears were spilling down her face.

 

But Jude was numb. He continued eating his sandwich with no reaction.

 

“Jude?” It was Connor.

 

Jude didn’t respond. He still didn’t respond when Connor sat down next to him.

 

“I did it. It’s over.” Connor said.

 

Jude paused as he lifted his sandwich halfway to his mouth.

 

And his resolve was breaking. “You make me so weak,” he sighed.

 

They sat side by side against the tree. Connor reached over and took Jude’s hand, intertwining their fingers.

 

They said nothing but that’s how it always seemed to be. And that was okay. That was better. For the both of them this time.

 

Silence made things easier. Silence said the things they could not. Silence hid the hurt for just a little while longer.

**Author's Note:**

> I was really stuck between using this song and Trouble (by Halsey also, duh) because both fit so well. So listen to Trouble too! But nah, really, just go listen to Halsey's entire album. 
> 
> So yeah, I really love this new style with song lyrics so I'll probably use it with most fics for now on. Let me know what you think about it! (Also, did anyone catch the Grey's Anatomy Slexie reference???) As always, I love feedback! And come talk to me on Tumblr: thiojames.tumblr.com!


End file.
